


If Only I Was Sure

by CydSA



Series: The Adam Lambert & Kris Allen Comedy Collection [1]
Category: American Idol RPF
Genre: Future Fic, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-22
Updated: 2010-05-22
Packaged: 2017-10-09 15:53:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/89094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CydSA/pseuds/CydSA
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>what do you do when everything you've ever wanted gets handed to you on a platter? You run of course.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If Only I Was Sure

**Author's Note:**

> wanted to write something with a little humour, cos that’s the way I feel today.

  


 

I've waited hours for this  
I've made myself so sick  
I wish I'd stayed asleep today  
I never thought that this day would end  
I never thought that tonight could ever be  
This close to me

Just try to see in the dark  
Just try to make it work  
To feel the fear before you're here  
I make the shapes come much too close  
I pull my eyes out  
Hold my breath  
And wait until I shake

But if I had your faith  
Then I could make it safe and clean  
If only I was sure  
That my head on the door was a dream

 

 

I was in hiding. It was the only recourse I had left to me. It felt like I was under siege. My i-Phone lay on the other side of the hotel room, switched off and shoved under about forty pillows, just in case a poltergeist managed to turn it on again. This was all Kris’ fault and when I got the courage to talk to him again, I was going to give him the last sane piece of my mind. You know that feeling you get when you have the best dream and then you wake up and realize that it was only a dream? Well, I was still asleep and dreaming. It had all started three days ago.

 

**  
Wednesday  
**

 

I had just made myself a PB &amp; J for a very unhealthy dinner and was listening to the news when my doorbell rang. There were only a few people who had my gate key-code so it would either be a friend or one of the ever-present security guards. I opened the door and Kris was standing there in the rain, soaked to the skin and looking pathetic.

“Kris!” I grabbed his arm and pulled him inside out of the deluge. He stood there shivering while I raced to the bathroom to get him a towel. My towels on Kris were like blankets so he was smothered in soft cotton when I returned. He spluttered a little as I rubbed him down. I was brisk, efficient and determined to ignore the fact that a soaked t-shirt on Kris Allen was fuel for fantasies for nights to come.

He pushed at my hands, “Enough!” laughing as he shoved me away.

I grinned at him, “I had to move fast or the rain might have melted you.” We exchanged smiles again and I went to my kitchen to boil the kettle. He trailed after me, still wrapped in the towel. “What brings you here, Kristopher?” I was used to him dropping by, but on a Wednesday night? We hadn’t spent too much time together over the past few months. I was so busy with promoting my album and Kris, well; it was just better for all concerned if we didn’t spend too much time together.

His eyes were like warm chocolate and I was a sucker for sweets. “I wanted you to be the first to know. To hear it from me.” I stopped bustling around and turned to look at him.

“That sounds like serious business, babe.” His face was solemn and I braced myself, Allison had cancer, Katy was pregnant, he was leaving LA. Any one of my worst nightmares come true.

“Katy and I signed divorce papers this morning.” Now, I am not a deep man, but seriously, the news of the dissolution of my best friend’s marriage should not have been accompanied by choirs of angels. Shallow, thy name is Adam.

I did try to say all the right things though, “How? Why? What? Are you having an affair?” The last question got the response it deserved, a glare and a snort and Kris turned away to rummage through my refrigerator, emerging triumphantly with a beer. Yes, I kept them there for him, so sue me.

“_You_ are an ass.” He announced this while twisting the bottle top off. I merely nodded my agreement, indeed I was.

“So, spill, what happened?” I was avid to know, nothing had seemed out of synch the last time we were together, oh, crap, was it really more than four months ago?

Kris took a long swig and leaned back against the counter, towel on the floor and t-shirt plastered distractingly to broad chest and shoulders, “I think it was inevitable, you know. We got married so young and then Idol and the Idol tour and the album and the album tour…” He trailed off, took another gulp and looked directly at me, “And of course, you.”

I gaped at him; this was so not my fault! “What the actual fuck..?” I couldn’t believe he was holding me responsible for the demise of his marriage to Little Miss Perfect. Now I was being a bitch, Katy was a sweetie and I liked her a lot, just not married to the man of my dreams, is all.

Kris motioned at me again with his beer bottle, “Katy says that I am in love with you. That’s why our marriage started failing as soon as we went on the Idol tour.” He said it so matter-of-factly that I missed the whole ‘marriage started failing’ thing. My mouth was still hanging open as he took a step towards me. “I think she might be right.”

 

That was the only warning I got before I had Kris Allen’s mouth open on mine, tongue pressing in and every wet dream I have ever had coming true in the tiny kitchen of my first home. By the time I was ready to participate, Kris had pulled away, mouth wet, eyes shining. He licked his lips and said, “That was…interesting.” Now, call me vain, but seriously, I am a good kisser and he took me by surprise so it was only fair that I show him what a real kiss was. When I let him go, we were both breathing harshly, his fingers digging into my hips, mine entwined in his hair. “Yeah…” the shuddering sigh he released as I stepped away from him told me that I had succeeded. “I think she’s definitely right.” The fog that had swamped my brain was clearing though and I held up a hand as he moved towards me again.

“Whoa there, tiger. I think we need a little perspective.” His frown was one I recognized from almost a year of being inseparable. It usually involved me caving to whatever his little heart desired. This time, it was my little heart in danger and I wasn’t taking the chance. “Seriously, Kris, you got divorced about a minute ago and now you want me? Kinda sudden, don’t you think?” That full lower lip jutted out and it took every ounce of my not inconsiderable willpower to ignore it. I say this because…a year with a pretty straight as my room mate and best friend and not one pass, hello, medal of honour please!

“Not really. I mean, there’s always been something between us.” The reasonableness of the man. “Adam, it’s only a natural progression. Even Katy thinks so.”

I rolled my eyes and scowled at him. “It’s what’s known as friendship, Kristopher. You should look it up.” I was waiting for the lightning bolt to strike me dead for lying.

It was Kris’ turn to glower, “I know what friendship is, Adam Lambert.” That bloody beer bottle was wagged at me in emphasis, “And we’re not just friends!” That last statement was shouted at me. I don’t like being shouted at. The kettle whistled and I turned away, pouring the boiling water into my mug. Tea, the panacea for all ills, apart from breaking hearts, which was what Kris, was doing to mine.

I swung around again. “We have been ‘just friends’ for nearly two years now, Kris. You’re panicking because you’re suddenly on your own and I am a familiar port in a storm.” I don’t think it was possible to sound more pretentious and the look I got from my friend told me that he agreed.

“Blow it out your ass, Lambert.” I bit my lip and tried not to laugh. It was kind of embarrassing how little it took for me to stop being mad at him. Kris grinned at me too. Harmony restored, or so I thought. “So, do you want to go out on a date with me?” My eyes must have bulged out of my head because the defensive, “What?” indicated my response had not been the one he wanted.

“Kris, are you out of your fucking ever-loving mind? You are straight, I am gay. You are a baby just divorced from your childhood sweetheart and I am the queer who would end up being accused of corrupting you.” I was nearly yelling at him, why couldn’t he understand? “You are not in love with me, you don’t want a relationship with me and I am not fucking going out on a date with you!”

Those pretty brown eyes narrowed, got mean and he shoved his face into mine, noses touching (he had to stand on tiptoe, I am ashamed to admit that it gave me a perverse little sense of pleasure).

“I am not a kid. I am twenty-six years old and know what I want. If you are such a chicken shit, then I will go out there and find another guy who is prepared to show me what I have been missing!” He slammed the beer down and stalked out, the door banging as he left.

 

I needed a fresh viewpoint, so I called my mother.

“Mama, Kris was just here.”

“That’s nice; it’s been a while since the two of you spent time together.”

“Mama, he’s divorced.”

“Really?”

“He told me that he might be in love with me.”

“Well, maybe you can finally make your move now. I don’t think he’d say no.”

“Mama, I am not going to be the guy who turned the American Idol gay!”

“Well, sweetie, he’s kind’ve gay for you already.”

“Mama, you’re not helping.”

“Sorry, honey, but seriously, you’ve been pining for him for almost two years. What is wrong with you?”

“Seriously, Mama, so not helping.”

“Well, call your brother then, maybe he has better advice.”

 

Then I tried Neil,

“Buttface.”

“Boogerhead.”

“Kris was just here.”

“What did the pocket idol want?”

“Stop calling him that. And stay off the fan boards. It’s disturbing that you lurk there.”

“I have discovered all sorts of interesting things on those boards. And yes, disturbing too. So what did your boyfriend want?”

“You’re an asshole.”

“_You_ called _me_.”

“Mom told me to.”

“So talk.”

“Kris just got divorced.”

“So now you guys can run away to Africa and adopt babies from .”

“You are an asshole.”

“You…”

“Shut up. He told me he thinks he might be in love with me.”

“And this is news, how?”

“Dickwad, he’s been married all the time I’ve known him, till this morning.”

“Point being, Evita?”

“He’s STRAIGHT!”

“Not for you, you big old fairy queen, he’s always been kinda gay for you.”

“I seriously don’t know why I bothered.”

“Cos Mama told you.”

“I hate you.”

“Go kiss your prince, frog princess.”

“Fuck you.”

“As if. You’d be arrested and I don’t think you’d be happy in prison.”

“Seriously, I fucking hate you.”

 

Allison was the next on my list.

“Hey baby girl.”

“Addaaammmm!!”

“Okay, can you lower the volume control?”

“Sorry. What’s up, big brother?”

“Kris was just here.”

“Yeah? He tell you about Katy and him?”

“How the hell…?”

“Katy called me and told me. She wanted me to hear it from her. She’s pretty cool about it.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, she said that she and Kris are still friends. I think it’s weird.”

“What’s weird?”

“That she’s so cool about Kris and you.”

“Kris and me?”

“Are you a parrot?”

“What about Kris and me?”

“Jeez Louise, take a chill pill dude. Talk about volume control. Sheesh. She just thinks that you and Kris are kind’ve perfect for each other.”

“Alli, you need to stop listening to adults who talk crap.”

“Like you haven’t had the hots for Kris since week.”

“I…”

“Don’t even try to lie to me, loser! I might be younger but I am wayyyy smarter that you two clueless dorks.”

“I am not a dork.”

“You are _so_ a dork. You thought you were being all stealthy but we all knew that you were in luuurrrrvvee!”

“I am not talking to you again until you turn twenty one. Maybe you’ll have matured by then.”

“Luuuuurrrrvvveee!”

 

I thought Brad would give me some insight.

“Who’s talking, Brad or Cheeks?”

“One and the same, lover.”

“Not a chance. I need Brad.”

“Fine. Articulate.”

“Kris came over here today.”

“And what did your not so straight straight want?”

“He is straight.”

“Whatever.”

“Really. He is.”

“And the moon is made of blue cheese, sweetcakes, _you_ are delusional.”

“You’ve been smoking pot, haven’t you?”

“A bowl is a terrible thing to waste.”

“Well, this call is pointless then.”

“Let me give you some advice.”

“I told you that I don’t want to talk to Cheeks!”

“Fuck him once, either he’ll love it and you’ll live happily ever after or he’ll hate it and you can finally get the fuck over him.”

“Why do I even try?”

“You’ve secretly wanted back in my pants for years, lover.”

“Not with the army that’s been there since I was.”

“Spank you very much.”

“I hope you’re being safe.”

“Are you my mother?”

“I may need therapy after this.”

“I am cheap; you need only pay me in blow jobs.”

“Never again.”

“Nevah say nevah, lovah.”

“Really, never.”

 

So I called Katy.

“Hey Kit Kat.”

“Adam.”

“Kris was just here.”

“So, did he make his move?”

“Who are you? A Stepford wife? How are you so perfect?”

“The mysterious ways of the Force, Lambert. So, did he?”

“Um, yeah, he did.”

“And?”

“I told him he was delusional.”

“You are an asshole.”

“Yeah.”

“I told him that he was in love with you.”

“Why would you do something like that?”

“Because it’s true?”

“No it isn’t.”

“Yes, it really is.”

“But he’s straight.”

“Apparently not for you.”

“He’s going out to find another gay guy to experiment with.”

“You are an asshole.”

“Yeah.”

“Call him.”

“I can’t, Kit Kat. If it doesn’t work and he figures out that I’m not his soul-mate, I will be destroyed.”

“Good God, you are such a drama queen! You haven’t even been out on a date yet and you’ve already broken up with him.”

“I am an asshole.”

“Yeah.”

 

So I did what any self-respecting person would have done. I ran like hell. I left word with my management that I was taking a couple of days off and headed up to Big I found a quaint little boutique hotel perched on the edge of a cliff and hid out for two days. My phone never stopped ringing. Everyone wanted to know where I was and what was wrong and was I okay. Except Kris. The silence was ominous. So I turned my phone off and had my own private pity party.

****

**  
Friday  
**

 

I finally switched my phone back on and dialed my voice mail service.

“_You have seventy three new messages. Dial 1 to listen to first new message_”

“Adam Mitchel Lambert, you had better call me as soon as you get this message! Oh, this is your mother. Leila.”

“Adammm! It’s Alli, seriously dude, where the hell are you? The buzzards are circling! You betta call me on da phone!”

“Drama queen, where the fuck are you? Mama is gonna tear you a new one. The fan boards have exploded. They all think you’re dead.”

“Adam, it’s Katy. Please call me as soon as you get this message. It’s important.”

“Divalicious, while I still love and adore you, having your mother calling me to ask me where you are is demeaning. I am not your answering service. Have you fucked your straight yet? Toodles.”

 “Adam, apparently you have vanished and there are some rumours. We need to do some damage control. I hope you aren’t dead. It’s Simon. Call me.”

I deleted the rest of the messages. I wasn’t quite ready to face the world yet, but I did call my mother and endured a few minutes of yelling.

“Mama, please, I just needed some time to think.” Her voice was in its upper register, volume not pitch.

“And not letting anyone know where you were or if you were still alive is part of that time?”

“I’m sorry.” Adam Lambert, Rock God and Mama’s boy.

“Honey, I know this thing with Kris has you confused, but you really can’t just take off like that. There are too many people who care about you.”

Reduced to a five year old again, I replied, “I’m okay, I swear. I’ll be heading home after the weekend.”

She sighed, “At least tell me where you are, so that I can stop worrying.” I told her the name of the hotel and asked her to let everyone know that I was fine. We said goodbye and I turned the phone off again, shoving it in the bottom of my travel bag.

 

I took a walk down the rocky path to the beach. The sound of the ocean soothed me, lulled me and I sat on the stony beach, watching the waves. I was a coward. What did I do when everything I’d ever wanted was handed to me on a platter? Took the chicken shit route, Kris was totally right about that, and ran. Even Katy was right, calling me an idiot for imagining the worst when the best hadn’t even happened yet. And being with Kris, like that, like I’d dreamed, that would be the best. I thought about him going out on a date with some other nameless, faceless guy and felt queasy. Kris was _my_ straight. If anyone was going to introduce him to the wonders of gay sex it was going to be me. Holy hell, I’d already decided what to do. I needed to get my ass back to LA and claim my Kris.

 

I jumped up, and ran back up the path to the hotel. I just hoped that my personal epiphany was not going to cost me the man I had been in love with since about five seconds after I had met him. I opened the door to my room and there he was, Kristopher Neil Allen, in all his plaid sartorial glory. His hands were shoved into the front pockets of his jeans and he looked furious. I opened my mouth to declare everything I had just realised but he held up one hand, stopping my words.

“You need to not speak, right now.” His voice was low, rough and sent a shiver down my spine to that part of me that…hello…inappropriate as usual. His eyes were little chips of brown marble. Kris was pissed. It was kind’ve terrifying in a way that rollercoasters are terrifying, you know that big drop is going to come and are ready for it and scared and excited all at the same time. I shut up. “You left.”

I waited and it seemed that now, he wanted a response, “I’m sorry. I am so very sorry. I was worried about myself and selfish and I didn’t think about how you would feel for one second. It’s been too long for me, Kris. I have spent nearly two years wanting you and then in one morning you offered me everything and it was so big and scary and so much what I wanted that I ran. Because you and I, we can’t be real. Not in real life. So I’m a pussy. And I ran.” I also ran out of air at that moment and took a breath, about to continue my ridiculously verbose and inarticulate explanation. Again, with the hand. I huffed a little. This was going to get old very quickly, but he deserved to be mad at me and he wasn’t shouting yet so I let it go. This time.

“Do you have any idea how scared I was when I came to see you on Wednesday?” His face was like stone, mouth rigid. I wondered if I needed to pull out the big guns, tears always worked well with macho boys. “I have never done anything like that in my life. I wanted you so much and all you did was say no and then take off without a word. That was not cool, Adam, not cool at all.” Now the anger had morphed into hurt and I couldn’t stand it anymore. I stepped forward, moving until I was as close to him as possible without actually touching.

“I know. You called me a chicken shit, and I am. Even Katy told me that I was an asshole.”

His eyes widened, “You talked to Katy?”

I nodded glumly, “Yeah, Brad and Allison too, they both told me that I was an idiot and completely clueless about how you felt about me.” I looked down at him, his perfect skin and messy hair and that mouth, god, the things I wanted to do to that mouth were probably illegal in most states. Except .

“You talked to Allison about us? And Brad?” I wasn’t sure which one he sounded more horrified about so I hastened to reassure him.

“My Mama is totally on your side by the way.”

“You spoke to your mother about us?” His voice rose, squeaked and I rushed to tell him

“It’s okay, Kris, she loves you and wants us to be together. Neil says that we should adopt babies from together. But he’s a dick so I wouldn’t pay him any attention.” I really wasn’t helping my case here.

“You discussed this with Neil too?” I felt like I was drowning in my own stupidity so I did what comes naturally to a man in a situation like this. I kissed him. And kissed him. And kissed him. Then finally, he kissed me back.

 

So, I’m not saying that being a coward is a good thing. It’s not. I could have saved myself three days of angst and drama, but that wouldn’t be me. I needed to have my time to wallow and freak out and over-think everything because I needed to be sure. I needed to know that if I was going to do this, it would be because I was in love with a not-so-straight, formerly married, cute, distracting guy from the Bible belt of and that I was prepared to face any and all of the consequences. Fortunately, by the time he got there, I had managed to come to the conclusion that I was lost without him.

So when we stopped kissing, no light or air between our bodies, Kris asked me, “So, can we go out on a date then?”

I smiled at him; my eyes must have needed shades they were shining so brightly, “I would love to go out with you.”

And he pushed me down on to the bed, set his teeth at my neck and said, “Good. Now, will you please, please, please explain to me how the hell you think _that’s_ going to fit?”

I started laughing and he grinned down at me, “Baby, trust me. It’s going to fit.” I wriggled a bit under him, let him feel the heat and muscle and firmness there, and watched his eyes widen.

“I don’t think this is going to work.” I giggled again, threw my arms around him and rolled him over so that he lay beneath me.

“I haven’t had any complaints.” His lower lip jutted out and I nipped lightly. I felt him shudder beneath me.

“I hope you know what you’re doing, Lambert, I’m little and I could break.” Laughing in bed with Kris Allen was the most fun I’d had in forever. But making love to him, that would be even better.

“Don’t worry; if I break you, I promise, I’ll fix you.”

“You’d better.” His face was open, happy, gorgeous, and my breath stuttered. “What?” he asked.

“I love you so fucking much, Kris. You’d better not break my heart.” His eyes grew soft and he curved a hand around my neck, tugging me down, kissing me until I felt part of myself pouring into him in liquid love from my mouth.

“I love you too, Adam. And I promise, if I break your heart, I will fix it. You’re stuck with me from here on out. I’m like your own human super glue.” He was smiling at me, heart and heat in warm brown eyes. I wanted to take a picture of him there, in my bed, body curving into mine. I let him pull me down again and when we kissed, the earth moved.

 

Seriously.

 

It was only a mild tremor but we hauled ass out of there and headed home to LA. He drove behind me the whole way and hopped out of his car when we reached the gates to my place. He leaned in the window and kissed me again, soft, sweet, loving.

“I’ll pick you up at seven. I love you, Adam.” Then he was gone. I think I sat there for about a minute with a goofy, stupid, lovesick grin on my face. Then I checked my watch and gasped in horror. It was four o’clock and Kris was collecting me at seven.

 

Fuck, I would never be ready on time.  
 

  



End file.
